Thursday, March 24, 2016

Dinner For 5 Million

I'm not a germaphobe or anything, I just have a constant and extreme fear of germs and an obsession with cleanliness.

Has anybody ever asked you for a drag of your cigarette or a sip of your beer?  It's kind of gross if you think about it, how about instead, you go stick your tongue up a homeless guy's dirty old asshole and then come back and give me a big sloppy french kiss.  That's about the same thing, isn't it?

Shaking hands is a strange custom.  Let's all go behind closed doors and pick our noses and our scabs, clean our floors, scrub our toilets, play with ourselves and wipe our asses - then when we see each other we'll just slap that shit together and hold onto it for a second.

"How are ya?! You're looking well!"

Mostly everyone has 'shitty dick hands'.  When I look at a hand I just see a turd ball with 5 dicks poking out of it, because we have to wipe our ass and touch a dick at least once a day.  Our own or someone else's and that goes for the dicks and the asses, that's your business, but that's why I wash my hand before I go to the washroom and I only shake hands with lesbians.  
Homosexual woman with a colostomy bag?  High 5 dude!  My new best friend - you get the nurse to change that crap sack for you and you'll be my only human contact.

Did you ever get invited over to dinner at someone else's house?  That's some cruel and unusual punishment right there.  

"I thought we were friends, what did I ever do to you?"

So, I'm supposed come over to your place and immediately remove one layer of protection: jacket, hat and shoes - right at the front door - so I'm basically naked - completely exposed!  You're going to invite me to sit down on what I can only assume is your 'singer's orgy couch'.  I don't know what you do in your spare time.  You'll probably offer some perverted plate of phallic horderves like pigs in a blanket, or cocktail wieners, or cheese and crackers. This would've been prepared beforehand leaving me to guess how long they've been sitting around collecting dust like this disgusting couch.  Dust, which is predominantly dead skin cells most likely from naked genitals.

"Have another!"

"No, thank you, I'm saving room for dinner."

Oh my god, dinner!  What kind of radiated Fukishima, GMO pesticide, zeka virus have you got in store for us tonight?!

"Oh!  Spaghetti!  My favorite!  Wait, are those green peppers?  You're fucking dead to me, Mom."

Who likes green peppers?  Put up your hand.  Some people even go as far to say that they love them.  Do you think they rub them on their tits, pack them in their lunch and eat them like apples?

Wash your hands.