Wednesday, April 22, 2015



By: Joe Amero

“I still think I’m the greatest”.  - Kanye West

You heard me; Kanye West is the worst person in the history of the world.  The fact that he is one of the best-selling recording artists of all time doesn’t change anything.  This only proves what bad taste the people of earth have, and we already knew that.  He truly sucks. If you don’t believe me just listen to his music.  You can’t, can you?  No you can’t, because it is an awful assault on the senses.  Personally, it makes me poop a little bit even if I hear it for one second coming from a passing car.  Admit it; it is garbage, it’s ok, he can’t hurt you anymore.  It’s time to free our selves, and our bowels, from the clutches of the evil Kanye West.
What’s that you say?  Being responsible for the worst music in recorded history doesn’t make you a bad person, let alone the worst person in the history of the world.  If only this monster stopped at what he considers music.  Never mind the fact that he’s a self-centered, loud mouth, know-it-all egotist.  Forget about the countless crashed award show receptions and racist, anti-Semitic remarks.  I can even forgive his shameless self-promotion and tireless, big-ass public show biz marriage and clothing lines.  Even without any of the crap outside of his “music” Kanye is known for, he still remains the worst person in the history of the world. 
Is it proof of my claim that you’re after?  Well then it’s proof you shall have.  You should be warned at this point, however, you will not like what I have to say.  Many of you do not believe in fairy tales, but Kanye does.  Ever since that fateful day back in 1987, when a 10 year old Kanye moved with his mother to Nanjing China.  It was there he, quite literally, stumbled upon and captured the legendary Xian of Enlightenment (an extremely rare type of genie).  A young Kanye ordered the Xian to grant him three wishes, and despite the request being a culturally insensitive interpretation of the Xian’s spiritual power, it agreed to Kanye’s demands on the condition of its’ immediate release.  Kanye made the deal and only then did the frightened Xian agree to the selfish request.   
This particular Xian had not been captured by man for exactly one hundred years to the day, prior to Kanye’s accidental windfall.  The last time was while the Xian was vacationing in sunny Ethiopia and trapped by a cunning young Ras Aluta Engida.  Engida was a General in the Ethiopian Armed Guard fresh off a brutal defeat by Italian forces while attempting to reclaim the occupied town of Sahati when he tracked and captured the Xian.  Engida was granted his customary one wish, not like Kanye and his greedy three.  The Xian magically multiplied Engida’s armed forces to an unbeatable 7,000 men and he was able to defeat Colonel Tommaso De Cristofori and his 500 Italian soldiers at Dogali, thus creating a tremendous victory that lifted all of Africa’s spirits and is still celebrated today.
Ras Aluta Engida’s wish was for the survival of his people and all ancestral bloodlines to follow down through history.  Kanye West on the other hand is a selfish bastard the same today as he was at ten years old when he found the Xian.  Kanye could have asked for anything three times over and still managed to drop the ball.  For his first wish, without even thinking he said he wanted to be bigger than Eric B and Rakim, the DJ and MC duo who held the #1 spot in the hip hop charts at the time.  Kanye reached the average height of 5ft 8in on his 17th birthday making him “bigger” than both Eric B (5ft 7) and Rakim (5ft 5in).  Next he demanded the ability to always be able to steal the spotlight, which he has managed to do on several occasions so far with no sign of stopping in the near future.  Lastly, in what could only be imagined to be an entrepreneurial attempt to become rich quick with the latest craze sweeping the ghettos of his home nation of America, Kanye asked for a lifetime supply of crack.  In April 2012, he was married to Kim Cardasian.  Kanye could have asked for world peace or to end hunger, but he didn’t, because he sucks.  Well Kanye, I hope you’re happy that all your wishes came true and earned you my vote for the worst person in the history of the world.


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